A Letter to my Mother

Today I listened to a woman speak who had a story that rang true to me in several ways. She spoke at one point of a strained relationship with her mother and the point she was able to forgive her for the past. My relationship with my mother was very close when I was young and then became difficult and almost nonexistent as I got older. My mother struggled with drugs and alcohol as well as her mental health and legal troubles from my childhood on which caused the strain. She passed away in January of 2014 and I still feel like our relationship was never repaired. I still have grief about her passing although she was sick in many ways and I should be glad she is no longer suffering. I still have regret that I never fixed what was broken between us even though there is not much I could have done. I realized today that I am holding on to a lot of things about my mother that I need to let out. After the woman spoke I went to the bathroom and just started to cry. She was able to talk to her mother, to forgive her, to move past it all. I feel like I don't have that opportunity. My mother is gone. Last year I saw my therapist to discuss my mother and how I can process her death and get over the pain. She suggested I write her a letter. After writing the letter I had planned on going somewhere alone that reminded me of good memories with my mom to read her the letter and put my feelings out into the universe and let them go. Unfortunately, I could not think of anywhere that I could go because most places have a negative connotation for me involving her. So I have held on to the letter and let my feelings stew, until now. Today has brought my feelings up and encouraged me to continue my work to get over the pain I feel toward my mother. So here is the letter that I wrote to my mom. I am going to put it out here for me to finally get my feelings out of my heart and out into the world. Part of me feels she will hear it and feel some peace. Someday soon I hope I can feel some peace too.

Dear Mom,
I never thought I would miss you as much as I do. Thinking about all of the important things you taught me makes me remember you were a good mom. I wish you had been able to be a grandmother to my children. You had some very hard times and I abandoned you. I had to for my own sake and I think you always understood that but couldn't forgive yourself even after I had forgiven you. I know how much you loved me. My heart aches for the relationship we never had and for the person my kids will never know. I remember you singing me to sleep, teaching me to drive, playing with us in the pool, cooking with us, taking us to the library and out for milkshakes; I remember the good times again. I also remember being by your side and being terrified. I was with you during your break and slept with you every night after. I remember you driving me down through Lehi and confiding in me. I remember always wanting to play "Hold the Baby." I'm sorry it became too much for me. I'm sorry you had to go through everything you went through and end up alone. I'm sorry you died alone. I'm sorry I didn't forgive you sooner. I tried in the end to fix our relationship. I forgave you and I tried to let you back in. I loved you and I wish I could thank you for everything you gave me. So now I hope you hear my words:
I love you. I forgive you for the past. Thank you for being a wonderful, loving mother when you could be. You taught me more than I ever knew. I now understand the love you had for me and how much it probably hurt you to let your demons win. You will always be in my heart and thoughts. I hope you are looking down on me and my family and you are proud. I miss you.
Love,
Erin