So the kids are asleep and I have an hour (maybe?) to myself. It is always a struggle of what to do during this time. So many things pile up that I want to do without the kids bugging me, but honestly a nap or TV time usually win since those just can't be done properly with the kids awake. Today as I was enjoying the quiet I was inspired to write.
It has been a time of transition in our family as my husband got a promotion and is now an area manager and helping oversee the opening of a new location of the restaurant he works for. To say the least it has been hard on everyone. He is working non-stop and still feels like it is not enough. I have been picking up the slack at home with the kids as well as jumping in and trying to help him at the new store. We are all tired and stressed. I just keep reminding myself that this time is temporary. The overwhelming stress will pass. I think that we were just not prepared for this. My husband has always worked long hours and had a stressful job so we just didn't think it would be that big of a change. It feels as if it happened overnight and slapped us all in the face that this job is very different. His hours are longer, his commute is longer, he has more responsibility on his shoulders and has to deal with a whole new store where almost no one knows what they are doing. He is amazing so I have no doubts that with a little bit of time and experience things will get easier but right now it is hard, really hard.
A few weeks ago while driving I saw a sign that read "Find joy in the journey." Those words spoke to me so much I had to write them down in my phone so I wouldn't forget. It is one of my biggest struggles in life; whether things are going good or bad I am constantly either living in the past or the future. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism to stress that I have developed or maybe it is just human nature but living in the present does not come easily. Right now is a difficult time but certainly not the hardest I have endured. I have plenty of joy I can find in these times right now, especially if I just look at my children. I find joy in Teddy's cheesy smile and Ada's twirling dance when she puts on a skirt. I can't help but smile at their cute developing personalities and voices. And you are dead inside if you don't enjoy a cuddle attack from two toddlers. There is lots of joy to be found in my children and the fact that I get to spend so much time with them. But I have also recently found joy in being away from them for some time. Time makes the heart grow fonder could not be more true in my case. When I am with the people or things I love too much I start to take them for granted and no longer appreciate the joy they bring. Working a few days this past week has helped me to get some space from my children as well as made me feel something I did not even know I was missing. I felt confidence. At first jumping back in at work I was nervous but then I realized that I knew what I was doing and I felt a confidence that I have rarely felt in the last two and a half years while being at home. So many times with my kids I feel absolutely helpless and lost as to what to do. My two-year-old especially tests my patience everyday and makes me feel utterly clueless. Every time I think I have mastered something my kids change and I must start all over again. I missed feeling confident and useful in a way that my children can not make me feel. I am trying not to create expectations during this transition time so as not to get disappointed but I hope that I can continue to work in some capacity.
The last week or so has been an emotional roller coaster but one thing has stayed constant and that is my love for my children. Being away from them yesterday and then having to drive in an hour of traffic to get back to them only made me want to hug them and kiss them forever. No matter how tired I was it all melted away when we were cuddling in bed for story time. I need to remember that nothing cures stress like a snuggle from my babies and nothing changes their bad moods like some love from mommy. I don't know where the journey is taking us right now and that is OK because it is not the destination that matters. Joy can be found even in the hard times we just have to look for it and celebrate it.
