A Letter to my Mother

Today I listened to a woman speak who had a story that rang true to me in several ways. She spoke at one point of a strained relationship with her mother and the point she was able to forgive her for the past. My relationship with my mother was very close when I was young and then became difficult and almost nonexistent as I got older. My mother struggled with drugs and alcohol as well as her mental health and legal troubles from my childhood on which caused the strain. She passed away in January of 2014 and I still feel like our relationship was never repaired. I still have grief about her passing although she was sick in many ways and I should be glad she is no longer suffering. I still have regret that I never fixed what was broken between us even though there is not much I could have done. I realized today that I am holding on to a lot of things about my mother that I need to let out. After the woman spoke I went to the bathroom and just started to cry. She was able to talk to her mother, to forgive her, to move past it all. I feel like I don't have that opportunity. My mother is gone. Last year I saw my therapist to discuss my mother and how I can process her death and get over the pain. She suggested I write her a letter. After writing the letter I had planned on going somewhere alone that reminded me of good memories with my mom to read her the letter and put my feelings out into the universe and let them go. Unfortunately, I could not think of anywhere that I could go because most places have a negative connotation for me involving her. So I have held on to the letter and let my feelings stew, until now. Today has brought my feelings up and encouraged me to continue my work to get over the pain I feel toward my mother. So here is the letter that I wrote to my mom. I am going to put it out here for me to finally get my feelings out of my heart and out into the world. Part of me feels she will hear it and feel some peace. Someday soon I hope I can feel some peace too.

Dear Mom,
I never thought I would miss you as much as I do. Thinking about all of the important things you taught me makes me remember you were a good mom. I wish you had been able to be a grandmother to my children. You had some very hard times and I abandoned you. I had to for my own sake and I think you always understood that but couldn't forgive yourself even after I had forgiven you. I know how much you loved me. My heart aches for the relationship we never had and for the person my kids will never know. I remember you singing me to sleep, teaching me to drive, playing with us in the pool, cooking with us, taking us to the library and out for milkshakes; I remember the good times again. I also remember being by your side and being terrified. I was with you during your break and slept with you every night after. I remember you driving me down through Lehi and confiding in me. I remember always wanting to play "Hold the Baby." I'm sorry it became too much for me. I'm sorry you had to go through everything you went through and end up alone. I'm sorry you died alone. I'm sorry I didn't forgive you sooner. I tried in the end to fix our relationship. I forgave you and I tried to let you back in. I loved you and I wish I could thank you for everything you gave me. So now I hope you hear my words:
I love you. I forgive you for the past. Thank you for being a wonderful, loving mother when you could be. You taught me more than I ever knew. I now understand the love you had for me and how much it probably hurt you to let your demons win. You will always be in my heart and thoughts. I hope you are looking down on me and my family and you are proud. I miss you.
Love,
Erin

A New Direction

I have always found purpose in my job. In the past I have jumped around from job to job because it was the only thing I had control of in my life. Now I find myself as a stay-at-home mom to two wonderful amazing children, but I struggle with finding that same purpose as I always found in the past. Make no mistake--staying at home is hard. Sure, I can wear pajamas all day, sit on the couch a lot of the time, occasionally take a nap or watch my shows but don't think for a single minute that makes this easy. Raising kids is challenging but what really is the challenge for me isn't the actual "job," it is the side effects. First, being at home with two small children for sometimes twelve plus hours alone is incredibly isolating. All day long it is change this diaper, wipe that nose, feed so-and-so that, clean up this, don't touch that. It is hard not to get sucked into your own little world of tedious tasks and schedules. Second, no one is there to tell you "good job" or give you a raise or a promotion. For the most part this job is thankless and pays nothing. And finally, staying at home is just that, I stay at home, some days I do not ever leave the house.

Recently I found myself slipping down into a pit of despair over how I managed to get to this place of feeling like I have no purpose and just mechanically going through life waiting for the next good thing to happen. It was an awful place to be but recognizing it was the first step to changing the way I felt. When I think of times in my life I was happy it is usually a time when I was fulfilled by my job. In the recent past this has prompted me to want to change my current job. I have thought of going back to work or working from home but ultimately I come to the conclusion that I am exactly where I need to be. It was not until a weird realization that I was able to shift my attitude and become OK with staying at home... right now.

About a month ago my daughter turned two so a week before her birthday I called the doctor's office to make her two-year check-up appointment. Well her pediatrician has suddenly found some huge demand so I could not get her in for over a month. After scheduling the appointment, I hung up the phone and was disappointed I had to wait that long to take her for her check-up. And that was when it hit me. Those appointments are in a small way like a report card for me. Getting to check on her growth and development gives me a tangible way of proving I am doing a good job. What's more is the pediatrician almost always says "You're doing a good job!" In that moment I realized that those doctor appointments were what validated my existence.

 Now that may seem a little dramatic, and yeah it probably is, but I am an over achiever and I love getting good grades. I loved school and I was good at it. Just like in school, I loved doing well at my jobs and earning raises or awards to show myself how well I was doing. There is no test for being a mom and there certainly is no review of your work to decide if you earn a raise. I needed to find something tangible that could make me feel like I am doing a good job. Right now my main purpose is to make sure that my children are growing and developing like they should, so why shouldn't their check-ups be like a report card for me? And a doctor is as close to a boss as I get so I will take his words as the praise that I crave, pat myself on the back and smile.

This realization was part of an attitude change that I had already committed to myself to make when I noticed I was doing my kids a disservice by being unhappy in my role. I wasn't enjoying the time I was spending with them. I was depressed and irritable. I had to change my attitude that being a stay-at-home mom was an unfulfilling job for me because it was poisoning my life. I would love to be a designer and someday I will be but today I am a mom and that's all I need to be. I stopped spending my time thinking about how I could get time to work and started enjoying my kids. I got down on the ground and sang songs with them. I watched them play with each other in their tent. I took them to the park. I cuddled with them on the couch. I got back to a place where I really cherished the time I am able to spend with them. Being a mom is hard, but it was ten times harder when I was mentally not there. I found a way to shift my thinking and find what I needed in order to be happy where I am.

In a lot of ways I am an all or nothing kind of person. I like to put 100% of my effort into what I do and if I can't I struggle. Life is hard and there is no reason to be unhappy if you can change it. My biggest challenge will always be simplifying and taking joy in what I have and where I am now. Right now I am happy and this is where I always want to be.