Find Joy in the Journey

So the kids are asleep and I have an hour (maybe?) to myself. It is always a struggle of what to do during this time. So many things pile up that I want to do without the kids bugging me, but honestly a nap or TV time usually win since those just can't be done properly with the kids awake. Today as I was enjoying the quiet I was inspired to write.
It has been a time of transition in our family as my husband got a promotion and is now an area manager and helping oversee the opening of a new location of the restaurant he works for. To say the least it has been hard on everyone. He is working non-stop and still feels like it is not enough. I have been picking up the slack at home with the kids as well as jumping in and trying to help him at the new store. We are all tired and stressed. I just keep reminding myself that this time is temporary. The overwhelming stress will pass. I think that we were just not prepared for this. My husband has always worked long hours and had a stressful job so we just didn't think it would be that big of a change. It feels as if it happened overnight and slapped us all in the face that this job is very different. His hours are longer, his commute is longer, he has more responsibility on his shoulders and has to deal with a whole new store where almost no one knows what they are doing. He is amazing so I have no doubts that with a little bit of time and experience things will get easier but right now it is hard, really hard.
A few weeks ago while driving I saw a sign that read "Find joy in the journey." Those words spoke to me so much I had to write them down in my phone so I wouldn't forget. It is one of my biggest struggles in life; whether things are going good or bad I am constantly either living in the past or the future. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism to stress that I have developed or maybe it is just human nature but living in the present does not come easily. Right now is a difficult time but certainly not the hardest I have endured. I have plenty of joy I can find in these times right now, especially if I just look at my children. I find joy in Teddy's cheesy smile and Ada's twirling dance when she puts on a skirt. I can't help but smile at their cute developing personalities and voices. And you are dead inside if you don't enjoy a cuddle attack from two toddlers. There is lots of joy to be found in my children and the fact that I get to spend so much time with them. But I have also recently found joy in being away from them for some time. Time makes the heart grow fonder could not be more true in my case. When I am with the people or things I love too much I start to take them for granted and no longer appreciate the joy they bring. Working a few days this past week has helped me to get some space from my children as well as made me feel something I did not even know I was missing. I felt confidence. At first jumping back in at work I was nervous but then I realized that I knew what I was doing and I felt a confidence that I have rarely felt in the last two and a half years while being at home. So many times with my kids I feel absolutely helpless and lost as to what to do. My two-year-old especially tests my patience everyday and makes me feel utterly clueless. Every time I think I have mastered something my kids change and I must start all over again. I missed feeling confident and useful in a way that my children can not make me feel. I am trying not to create expectations during this transition time so as not to get disappointed but I hope that I can continue to work in some capacity.
The last week or so has been an emotional roller coaster but one thing has stayed constant and that is my love for my children. Being away from them yesterday and then having to drive in an hour of traffic to get back to them only made me want to hug them and kiss them forever. No matter how tired I was it all melted away when we were cuddling in bed for story time. I need to remember that nothing cures stress like a snuggle from my babies and nothing changes their bad moods like some love from mommy. I don't know where the journey is taking us right now and that is OK because it is not the destination that matters. Joy can be found even in the hard times we just have to look for it and celebrate it.

A Letter to my Mother

Today I listened to a woman speak who had a story that rang true to me in several ways. She spoke at one point of a strained relationship with her mother and the point she was able to forgive her for the past. My relationship with my mother was very close when I was young and then became difficult and almost nonexistent as I got older. My mother struggled with drugs and alcohol as well as her mental health and legal troubles from my childhood on which caused the strain. She passed away in January of 2014 and I still feel like our relationship was never repaired. I still have grief about her passing although she was sick in many ways and I should be glad she is no longer suffering. I still have regret that I never fixed what was broken between us even though there is not much I could have done. I realized today that I am holding on to a lot of things about my mother that I need to let out. After the woman spoke I went to the bathroom and just started to cry. She was able to talk to her mother, to forgive her, to move past it all. I feel like I don't have that opportunity. My mother is gone. Last year I saw my therapist to discuss my mother and how I can process her death and get over the pain. She suggested I write her a letter. After writing the letter I had planned on going somewhere alone that reminded me of good memories with my mom to read her the letter and put my feelings out into the universe and let them go. Unfortunately, I could not think of anywhere that I could go because most places have a negative connotation for me involving her. So I have held on to the letter and let my feelings stew, until now. Today has brought my feelings up and encouraged me to continue my work to get over the pain I feel toward my mother. So here is the letter that I wrote to my mom. I am going to put it out here for me to finally get my feelings out of my heart and out into the world. Part of me feels she will hear it and feel some peace. Someday soon I hope I can feel some peace too.

Dear Mom,
I never thought I would miss you as much as I do. Thinking about all of the important things you taught me makes me remember you were a good mom. I wish you had been able to be a grandmother to my children. You had some very hard times and I abandoned you. I had to for my own sake and I think you always understood that but couldn't forgive yourself even after I had forgiven you. I know how much you loved me. My heart aches for the relationship we never had and for the person my kids will never know. I remember you singing me to sleep, teaching me to drive, playing with us in the pool, cooking with us, taking us to the library and out for milkshakes; I remember the good times again. I also remember being by your side and being terrified. I was with you during your break and slept with you every night after. I remember you driving me down through Lehi and confiding in me. I remember always wanting to play "Hold the Baby." I'm sorry it became too much for me. I'm sorry you had to go through everything you went through and end up alone. I'm sorry you died alone. I'm sorry I didn't forgive you sooner. I tried in the end to fix our relationship. I forgave you and I tried to let you back in. I loved you and I wish I could thank you for everything you gave me. So now I hope you hear my words:
I love you. I forgive you for the past. Thank you for being a wonderful, loving mother when you could be. You taught me more than I ever knew. I now understand the love you had for me and how much it probably hurt you to let your demons win. You will always be in my heart and thoughts. I hope you are looking down on me and my family and you are proud. I miss you.
Love,
Erin

A New Direction

I have always found purpose in my job. In the past I have jumped around from job to job because it was the only thing I had control of in my life. Now I find myself as a stay-at-home mom to two wonderful amazing children, but I struggle with finding that same purpose as I always found in the past. Make no mistake--staying at home is hard. Sure, I can wear pajamas all day, sit on the couch a lot of the time, occasionally take a nap or watch my shows but don't think for a single minute that makes this easy. Raising kids is challenging but what really is the challenge for me isn't the actual "job," it is the side effects. First, being at home with two small children for sometimes twelve plus hours alone is incredibly isolating. All day long it is change this diaper, wipe that nose, feed so-and-so that, clean up this, don't touch that. It is hard not to get sucked into your own little world of tedious tasks and schedules. Second, no one is there to tell you "good job" or give you a raise or a promotion. For the most part this job is thankless and pays nothing. And finally, staying at home is just that, I stay at home, some days I do not ever leave the house.

Recently I found myself slipping down into a pit of despair over how I managed to get to this place of feeling like I have no purpose and just mechanically going through life waiting for the next good thing to happen. It was an awful place to be but recognizing it was the first step to changing the way I felt. When I think of times in my life I was happy it is usually a time when I was fulfilled by my job. In the recent past this has prompted me to want to change my current job. I have thought of going back to work or working from home but ultimately I come to the conclusion that I am exactly where I need to be. It was not until a weird realization that I was able to shift my attitude and become OK with staying at home... right now.

About a month ago my daughter turned two so a week before her birthday I called the doctor's office to make her two-year check-up appointment. Well her pediatrician has suddenly found some huge demand so I could not get her in for over a month. After scheduling the appointment, I hung up the phone and was disappointed I had to wait that long to take her for her check-up. And that was when it hit me. Those appointments are in a small way like a report card for me. Getting to check on her growth and development gives me a tangible way of proving I am doing a good job. What's more is the pediatrician almost always says "You're doing a good job!" In that moment I realized that those doctor appointments were what validated my existence.

 Now that may seem a little dramatic, and yeah it probably is, but I am an over achiever and I love getting good grades. I loved school and I was good at it. Just like in school, I loved doing well at my jobs and earning raises or awards to show myself how well I was doing. There is no test for being a mom and there certainly is no review of your work to decide if you earn a raise. I needed to find something tangible that could make me feel like I am doing a good job. Right now my main purpose is to make sure that my children are growing and developing like they should, so why shouldn't their check-ups be like a report card for me? And a doctor is as close to a boss as I get so I will take his words as the praise that I crave, pat myself on the back and smile.

This realization was part of an attitude change that I had already committed to myself to make when I noticed I was doing my kids a disservice by being unhappy in my role. I wasn't enjoying the time I was spending with them. I was depressed and irritable. I had to change my attitude that being a stay-at-home mom was an unfulfilling job for me because it was poisoning my life. I would love to be a designer and someday I will be but today I am a mom and that's all I need to be. I stopped spending my time thinking about how I could get time to work and started enjoying my kids. I got down on the ground and sang songs with them. I watched them play with each other in their tent. I took them to the park. I cuddled with them on the couch. I got back to a place where I really cherished the time I am able to spend with them. Being a mom is hard, but it was ten times harder when I was mentally not there. I found a way to shift my thinking and find what I needed in order to be happy where I am.

In a lot of ways I am an all or nothing kind of person. I like to put 100% of my effort into what I do and if I can't I struggle. Life is hard and there is no reason to be unhappy if you can change it. My biggest challenge will always be simplifying and taking joy in what I have and where I am now. Right now I am happy and this is where I always want to be.

My first client... My husband

As we head into a new year we are all creating resolutions for things to improve in our lives. For me I will be entering the last year in my twenties. I have met a lot of my "goals" in life; I am married, I have two children and I own my home. The last "item" on the list will be to have a career. After that I can die because I will have completed life... JK! My life is definitely not as I imagined it to be by this age but I am quite happy with where it is. I have a beautiful family and a comfortable life but I have spent the last two years being 100% mom. My early twenties were spent in transition and overcoming a lot of things in my past to figure out who I was and how I made myself happy. This last year of my twenties I want to get back to that exploration. And so begins my journey as a designer. I have always wanted to be a designer but have always made excuses for why I am not. That changes now; I am a designer who is currently building my resume and business. I will be looking to expand my portfolio this year with some pro-Bono work but first I will share my first job for a client.

Last Christmas I decided to finally create an office space for my husband. Although this space is in my house I treated my husband as the client and used his input for the design. This was not just an office for him it was also a "man cave." I hate to use that term but it is quite accurate. His space is not only for doing work but also for making music or hanging out with his friends.

The room that became his is a bonus space in our house off of the garage so it is basically a big rectangle with a window at one end and a door at the other. Space planning is important in a multi-use room. I created a defined work space by placing the desk against the wall jutting out into the room with a buffet behind it in front of the window.

Along the adjacent wall I placed a small sofa that faces out to the open space of the room.
A portion of the room has become storage unfortunately but the plan is to have another chair opposite the couch to round out the hang out area.

My husband is a beer drinker so the splurge for the room was a kegerator for the corner. This propelled the space into true "man cave" status.

 The aesthetic of the room is "Mad Men"esque with mid-century looking furniture pieces in natural wood tones, masculine lines and subtle metallic accents. I created a gallery wall centered around a cardboard rhinoceros head. I bought gold and silver frames from the thrift store and filled them with pictures of our family.

His guitars hang on the wall as both art and for easy access to use. A bold patterned rug rounds out the room adding some much needed interest and acoustics.

As with most projects in my house it is a work in progress but it is the most finished room in the house. My husband was thrilled with it and it has worked out beautifully for all of it's uses.

Back to the grind

It has been well over a year since my last post and I am finally ready to get back to this blog. So much has happened in this last almost year and a half; I had my first baby, sold our first home, bought our second home and now have had my second baby. Life has certainly changed for the better most of the time but especially now with a newborn that steals all my sleep and attention it is hard to do things for myself. I love being a mother and being able to stay home to raise my kids but I am a designer at heart. Watching HGTV all day will only sustain me for so long. I am hoping that getting back to this blog will help me to connect with my designer self again and maybe lead to some work. So you heard it here first, I would love to get out there and do some designing or even consulting for people. Tell your friends and stayed tuned for more posts on the projects I have done around my home.

My family; Renny, Ada and Teddy

Before I jump in to my first project-the living and dining room-I want to give a little timeline and overview of the last year since so much has happened. February 1st of 2013 my daughter Ada Mae Mitchell came into this world only days after we had listed our home in Tempe on the market. It took 11 days to sell the house and only a few weeks to find our new house in Gilbert. We didn't end up moving until Ada was 3 months old. Adjusting to a newborn was a challenge during the selling and buying of a home and I do not recommend it but we love our new house and looking back it was the best move for our family. Especially since we found out I was pregnant with our second child when Ada was only 6 months old. It was not planned but a very happy surprise. April 6th of this year my son Theodore Allen Mitchell was born. Our family is now complete and we are happily settled in our home. It was a crazy year and now I'm ready for life to slow down.

Our new house is over double the size of our first house. It is 2600 square feet with 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a bonus room and 2 main spaces for living. Built in 1998 and not much has been updated since then so I have plenty of projects. My first project when we moved in was the living room dining room combination.

Shelving cluster showcasing my elephant collection.

It is the first room that you enter when coming into the house and since all of our furniture from the old house fit into the family room it was entirely empty. We knew it would become a great space for us to have the whole extended family over and entertain in. I decided on a very large sectional sofa so there would be a lot of seating and space for game playing. It took many weeks of searching to find a sofa that was not only affordable but wasn't hideous and luckily I found the one I had my eye on for a steal on Craigslist. I used the coffee table and rug we already had and purchased two floor lamps to flank the couch and add much needed light to the room. The room has tall vaulted ceilings and a huge wall to fill so I used the shelves we had in our old living room and displayed my elephant collection and a few pictures. By using this space to display a collection I was able to fill the wall and help make the room feel homey without having to cover every inch of space. P.S. sorry for the dark pictures, the large windows are great for light but terrible for pictures.

Living room

Dining room

On the other side of the room was space for a formal dining area. I had a vision of a big farmhouse table that we could fit the whole family at for holidays and gatherings. As always I have expensive taste but not the budget for it so many weeks of searching went in to trying to find a table. While searching my husband found a table top in the alley behind his work that was made of solid wood, very large and in the style that we were looking for. It was fate. He brought the table top home and we made the table of my dreams. In it's previous life the table had been a work bench so it had many gouges, nail holes, paint etc on it. We sanded the table, but not so much to remove the character from the blemishes, and sealed it with satin finish polyurethane. I found an artisan on Etsy and he made some bulky metal u-shaped legs for the table.  With a little elbow grease we were able to create an industrial modern table for our dining room for only about $200. To follow our aesthetic of industrial modern I would have loved to have purchased vintage Tolix chairs, however I didn't have $1000 to spend on 8 dining chairs. Fortunately, I found similar chairs on Overstock.com for a great deal. They came in almost every color and I chose emerald green to stand out. To finish my vision for the dining room I scoured thrift stores and antique stores for a chandelier. I found a rustic chandelier that had been painted white for only $75 at an antique store and its simple elegance rounded out the dining space.
Finally, I wanted to do something special to the set back niche at the end of the dining room. My first thought was to do some wallpaper but after contemplating the cost and labor I decided to just paint a design. I had all of the supplies already from previous projects and I created the paint color by just adding black to the current wall color. The design I created is actually mirrored in the lamp shades on the other side of the room. I like to do bold things in my design but it is important to tie it all together with a common theme. I couldn't resist the red clock I found at Ross, so to balance it out I chose simple vases and candles to line the table.

Dining room

A view of the whole great room.

Overall, my vision came to fruition and the space has worked beautifully for hosting our family and friends. Working on a small budget I was able to fill this big empty space, make it functional and stylish for around $1700. When it comes to decorating my own home I try to do it for as little money as possible and I am able to do that by re-purposing things I already have, shopping second-hand and online and putting in some hard work to create what I want when I can't find it. Of course spending a little more money is not always bad as it can get better quality but in my life, in the real world, that is not always a possibility. Limited budgets don't mean you can't have the style you want.

So this is the new year...

Well I am officially terrible at keeping up with this blog. I put the finishing touches on the nursery weeks ago and am now finally getting around to blogging about it. Growing this baby really has made me lazy in the last few weeks but I guess this is the last time in my life when I can afford to be this lazy, so I will give myself a break.

So without further adieu here it is:

The nursing/reading corner was completed with a yellow chevron pillow I bought from Hobby Lobby, a yellow and cream printed ottoman from Target and a homemade valance. For the valance I bought a yard of the chevron fabric and simply sewed up each edge to make it look finished and then used Velcro to attach it to the wall. Velcro works best for me because it is a huge pain trying to install window treatments in my house especially on an exterior wall where I would have to combat both plaster and brick construction. Also, it makes it super easy to change down the road or remove to clean.

 For the crib I decided to be simple and just have the plain yellow sheet and the adorable grey chevron blanket from Target. I was going for a modern clean aesthetic so simple just made more sense. The mobile I made using felt, ribbon and buttons on the elephants and dowels and string to hang it. I had made a very different looking one with the elephants hanging in a circle and wrapped with ribbon but decided it didn't go with the room so I changed it to what you see now. Balancing the different tiers proved to be quite difficult and still is not perfect but I think it turned out very modern and I like it. The movement is also nice as opposed to my first attempt, now the elephants kind of dance around when the air or fan is on.

The changing table turned out great. All I added was the changing pad, which screws into the back of the dresser so it won't fall off, and a basket to hold wipes and diapers at easy access. The storage provided by using a dresser as opposed to a traditional changing table is the best part. I was able to put all of her clothes, extra sheets, towels and other miscellaneous things for her hidden away in the dresser. There is a closet in the room but it is being used for mostly other things and I for one am not going to hang a million onesies.

 

And here is a full view of that side of the room.

And finally a quick tutorial on the chevron wall pattern I painted. I selected two paint colors for the room, one very light grey and the other a slightly darker shade of that grey. I bought a full gallon in eggshell of the lighter and a quart in satin of the darker. Eggshell is my favorite finish for paint because it has the least amount of gloss without being matte, I can still clean it easily without my walls being shiny. I chose the darker in a satin just for a little extra contrast as it will be slightly glossier than the eggshell. In the end I don't think it made that big of a difference since the colors had enough contrast. If you wanted an even more subtle look for your wall pattern you could use the same color but one in high gloss making the pattern only noticeable in the light. 

First, I painted the entire room in the light grey. I bought Frog Tape for this project and was very pleased with the results. Taking the time to tape all the trim was well worth it and using the more expensive tape saved me from having to do any touch ups and I didn't have to be super careful when cutting in. I let the room dry for a couple days, one because if you tape and paint on a freshly painted wall you run the risk of ripping the paint off the wall and two because I painted an entire room by myself and I was exhausted and needed a break. 

Next, was the taping that was very time consuming but well worth it especially since it was only one wall. Adding the pattern to all of the walls would have been busy and overwhelming causing the room to look very small. Being a small room to begin with that would not have been good, so I just did the one main wall as an accent. It adds visual interest to the room and saved me from having to come up with some large scale art project or something to fill that wall. A wall pattern like this did involve some math to figure out where to tape, so being a visual person I drew up several mock walls to make sure it would look how I wanted it to. After measuring the length and width of the wall I broke it up into the number of columns and rows I thought would be appropriate. Taking into account my tape was one inch wide (I bought that tape on purpose knowing I would want one inch lines) I drew on paper my design and the measurements needed to achieve it. I don't remember my exact measurements or the process to get them (I made it much more difficult than it probably needed to be but my brain is not working properly so give me a break) all I know is do it on paper and check it on the wall to make sure it works out the way you want. The most important part of the process is the taping so make sure the measurements are right, the tape is straight and the edges are sealed (just running my fingernail over the tape several times sealed it quite nicely for me, no extra paint required.) I taped all the verticals first and then went back and taped all of the diagonals. Once taped I painted the wall with the darker grey and then removed the tape slowly while still wet. Using good tape saved me from any touch ups so I couldn't be happier with the result. Just remember taping is hard tedious work but well worth the time and effort you put into it, sloppy taping will create sloppy work and more work in the end to fix mistakes. 

All taped up.

End result.

Ok so maybe not such a "quick" tutorial but it was a key feature of the nursery I needed to share. And now the nursery is finished. From here on out I will be blogging about the past projects completed on my home or even perhaps quick projects to help sell your house. With the market returning my husband and I have decided to look into selling this house to move on to a bigger house in a more family friendly neighborhood. I love this house and the things I could do to it to make it my dream home but unfortunately the neighborhood that was great for us when we were young is less desirable as we welcome a child into it. I will keep you posted on the decisions we make in the upcoming months and of course once little Ada comes to enjoy her brand new nursery.

It's the little things

My design philosophy is to be as creative as possible to create the look you want while staying within a meager budget. If I had unlimited resources and funds... well lets just say I have expensive taste. However, these things are not true so I must get inventive to make things look the way I want. Of course it is appropriate to splurge every once in awhile to really get a piece that you want, but in general with a little elbow grease you can modify things to be what you want for a fraction of the cost. Now this of course takes time and work but for me it is worth it since I love doing it and I find I end up with a much more custom look than if I bought everything and keep it as is.

For the nursery this design philosophy was in full force and for this post I have clumped together a few projects where I simply found a great deal and them customized it to be exactly what I wanted. My previous post about the old dresser I painted and converted into a changing table is such a project but was a little more work than is always necesary.

First, when searching for a chair for my nursery I could not find a single chair that I liked for less than $900 (like I said I have expensive taste). I was very specific that I that I wanted a glider or rocker that was modern looking, not too big and came in grey. In my opinion I found the inexpensive options for chairs to be frumpy and usually came in terrible shades of pastel pink, green or blue. So I began going to local thift stores, looking on Craigslist and checking out yard sales for an old chair that I could reupholster. It took some time and I went to a lot of thrift stores but I eventually came across a chair that with a little altering was perfect.

I found this chair at the Goodwill Redesign center on Scottsdale Rd and Thomas. It was $30 after a student discount (if you still have a student ID you can still claim to be a student). It is obviously from some little old ladies formal living room because it was in great condition and quite clean for being white. It rocks and is very comfortable making it a good choice. I considered even doing the reupholstry myself to save money but it was a bigger job than I wanted to take on so I went to a professional. I was referred to a place called By The Yard and I loved working with them. The fabrics they had available there were not quite what I wanted and were starting at $20 a yard so I decided to purchase this fabric from Fabrics.com and have them just do the reupholstering. To modernize the chair I had them take away the majority of the button-tufting (they said they couldn't take away all of it without compromising the comfort), remove the skirt at the bottom and take away the detached cushion on the top of the chair. So for a $30 chair plus $45 in fabric and $240 for the reupholstery totaling $315 I got a custom chair that no one else will have and is exactly the look I wanted. Here is the final product:

 

Two other small items in the nursery that gave me a lot of trouble finding what I wanted were the floor lamp for the reading corner and the area rug. Both, especially rugs, can be quite expensive and I just didn't want to pay a lot of money for either. 

While at Target one day just browsing the home section and mostly checking out the vast amount to clearance stuff I found a lamp on clearance for $15. The only thing it had going for it was the price and it had the basic shape I had been leaning toward in a lamp selection so I bought it. After getting it out of the box it is worth just about what I paid for it but I figured with a new shade it would be cute. I bought about 4 different shades in different colors and designs and none of them worked with the lamp or the rest of the nursery. So I figured why not try just painting the original shade that came with the lamp. It was just a plain cream fabric shade so I took some yellow fabric paint that I had and painted a chevron design. The result I rather like, it is imperfect and custom and goes great with the rest of the nursery. Lastly, I painted the silver base of the lamp cream and now I have an inexpesive lamp that I love.

As for the rug I had agonized over that purchase for months trying to rationalize spending hundreds of dollars on a rug but I couldn't. Eventually I ended up back on a rug I had liked from IKEA. The rug was large enough for the room and was only $20 so it was an unbeatable deal. The only problem was that it is grey and white and the room has so much grey I didn't want to make the room look dark. After the paint was done and a lot of the furnishings in place I decided it wouldn't make the room dark and went ahead and bought the rug. Of course, once in the room I thought it just needed a little something to make it special so I decided to add some yellow. Using fabric markers and a lot of free time I colored parts of the flowers on the rug yellow. It was a small alteration that makes the rug different from the 3 million out there and ties it into my color scheme a little better.

Customizing pieces can mean something as big as refinishing a dresser or something as small as adding accent colors to a rug. What's important is being creative to make something your own and not always having to settle for what's in stock.